Tag: N-Judah

“You know I am going there because I have to go, not because I want to go. There is a difference between ‘have to’ and ‘want to’.” The woman screamed.
A man approached her and looked like he was kissing her.
Then, he screamed, “There are two type of people in this society; one that has money and one that is drunk. Everyone else is in between. If you are not one of these two, don’t fucking come knock on my door! The light is on, but I won’t answer.”
Approach to the woman again, he makes a Karate-like move. Then, he sits on the chair and screams, “I like Stephen King!”
It is quiet for a moment, then the woman screamed at the man, “At least I know where I am going! But you don’t know where you are going!!”
He screamed back to her, “But I know where I am!”

She repeats, “I know where I am going but you don’t know where you are going!”
He responds, “But I know where I am!” Then they begin to shout back and forth.
”I know where I am going but you don’t know where you are going!”
“But I know where I am!”
“I know where I am going but you don’t know where you are going!”
“But I know where I am!”
The man says, “You know, there are people who have and people who don’t!”
The man continued, “You, you, you what! You want to or you have to what?”
The woman screams back to him, “I tell you here is my answer, ‘I don’t know!’ There are always three answers to everything I want, I have to, and I don’t know!”
She continues, “But I know where I am going and you don’t!”
“But I know where I am!” The man screamed. “Have a seat. There is a seat here” He continued as he pointed to the seat next to him.
But she screams, “No! Someone’s ass was sitting there! I am not going to put my ass on someone’s asshole!
“Bitch! You are a fucking bitch, you know. You know what I call someone like you? A Hooker! You are a hooker!”
She says, “Hey, don’t limit your view. If you named it but you can’t see beyond it!
He yells, “Bitch!”
“Hey, be careful what you call me because you don’t know who is listening to you!”
He repeats, “You are a fucking bitch!”
She now screams, “You are an asshole!”
“How did you know my nick name?” He is suddenly calm.

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Yesterday morning, we posted a story about an alleged perpetrator riding the N-Judah a little too close for most of our comfort. He was deemed the “Muni Humper,” and his story resonated through the intertubes (SFist, NBC, to name a few). Well, our ever-prescient Muni Mind Reader, Tiffany Maleshefski, was on the case before the post went live. Here’s her extrapolation from the dark recesses of the Humper’s brainwaves …

Most people see a crowded bus cruising toward them and their heart sinks, tempers flare, and frustrations are high. If the bus is super crowded, the majority of people will simply hold tight for the next bus. Not me. I see that same bus jam-packed with people and all I see are endless opportunities.

In fact, I’m that guy who you watch squeeze his way through the back door, defying the laws of physics and most of all common sense, because, dude, the driver just said there’s a bus two minutes behind this one. Just wait it out, right? Crowded buses are where I thrive, where I feel alive, where I like to get a free ride. I AM THE HUMPER!

Awwww yeahhhh! Let me just squeeze in over here. That’s it. Woops! “Oh, I’m sorry. Did I bump you?” (Sheepish grin.) Hell yeah I just bumped you, and what’s totally throwing you off right now: I’ve yet to step away! It’s just you, me, my wedding tackle, the corner of your bike messenger bag, and then your sweet bottom for me to press against.

I especially love a rickety ride on Muni, because that means a lot of the work is already done for me. Pothole! “Oh I’m sorry.” Pothole! “Pardon me.” Construction zone! Oh man, here I come! Or a driver who’s heavy on the brake. That’s just a gift from the heavens. I take one step forward, you take one step back, we stay together ‘cuz I’m sick and that’s a fact.

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