Category: Funny: Muni LOLs

Snakes on the 9!

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From the Muni Diaries submissions inbox:

This actually happened in 2001, but this I just heard about this site today so….

New years eve 2001/2002, I decided to go to one of those giant raves they used to have at the Cow Palace. I lived downtown, so took the 9 out to the Cow Palace. The trip there and the party were uneventful, but ride home was surreal.

A few stops down the line a guy gets on and sits down near me. He was a big ripped dude, probably 6’6″ 250lbs. He was wearing what looked like a prisoner jumpsuit, and had a cast on his arm. He was sweating like crazy and his eyes were bugging out of his skull.

He was sitting across from me near the back of the bus. He kept twitching and muttering under his breath, standing up then sitting right back down. The only word i could make out was “snakes”. Before long he started asking people if they have seen the snakes on the bus. Of course, nobody had, and this just starts to agitate him.

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A Letter to a Fellow Passenger

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Waiting for a phone call.
Photo by Flickr user Mylla

The use of cell phones appears to be the biggest bus etiquette faux pas this week. Rider Sara had an earful of phone conversation on the 5 from “Caroline” so she’s written her a personal letter here.

Caroline, summer student at the Lines Ballet School at USF, SHUT THE HELL UP.

The next time you think it’s a good idea to get on a completely packed 5 during evening rush hour and make phone call after phone call, why don’t you actually stop and think about it. And realize it is a terrible idea. I don’t need to hear you scream to your friend that, after much consideration, you decided you’d like to go to law school at Harvard or Yale. Oh, wow, it took consideration to realize the No. 1 and No. 2 ranked law schools in the nation are where you need to be? Good luck fighting for those spots with the million other idealistic kids who are going to apply to law school this year.

But as you said, your dad is right, you’re a shoe-in. I mean, you did three practice LSAT questions and got them all right! Congratulations. And your dream of going to law school so you can work at a nonprofit? I hope you’re willing to fight with the zillion laid off lawyers and deferred incoming associates whose law firms are paying them to go work at nonprofits.

Fortunately, I was able to turn my Kanye West up loud enough to drown out whatever you said next. That is, until you took the empty seat next to me and proceeded to call person after person at USF to inquire about the iPod you lost on campus today. It probably got stolen while you were on the 5 by someone like me who wanted you to pay dearly for making their commute more irritating than usual. I hope whoever stole it is enjoying the Taylor Swift and Kelly Clarkson you most likely have on that damn thing.

Got a Muni gripe or a holler? Let us know.

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This Will Make You Thankful for Muni: Highway 17 Express

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Rider Michael’s trip away from San Francisco lead him to the Highway 17 Express and a ride that was much longer than a typical Muni ride, on a road that’s far from ideal compared with our city streets.

Friday, I decided to take the afternoon off and head over to Santa Cruz. I had already taken Caltrain to Santa Clara County for some morning business and figured I’d just catch the Highway 17 Express from downtown San Jose. The next bus that I could make left at 12:40 and so I booked a 2:30 appointment figuring I’d have plenty of time.

All was well until we neared Los Gatos and traffic came to a dead stop. A little past the Highway 9 offramp, an overhead sign warned of an accident before the summit with “lanes blocked.” Well, there are only two lanes, so if “lanes” are blocked, we are probably in trouble. We crept along until the driver announced that we would be turning around at Bear Creek so we could go back and take Highway 9.

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Category: Funny: Muni LOLs

Muni Mind Reader: Aisle-Seat Squatter

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aisle-seat-hogAfter a brief hiatus (we gave her the week off for Riders With Drinks), Tiffany Maleshefski, aka Muni Mind Reader, is back. This week, she peers inside the synapses of that odd creature who, often no matter how soon their stop is, refuses to scoot over to the window seat.

Yes, I understand it’s a little odd. You’d think that the opportunity to have a view, fresh air, and to have a place to lean your head when you’re sleepy would be an ideal situation for riding the bus. But, I just can’t do it, OK? I can’t sit in the seat near the window.

So regardless of how crowded it might get … no matter how much hate-beams you direct my way, I am NOT going to move over. I’m just not. EVER. Deal with it!

I realize it would be a perfectly easy enough task. I’d slide over so no one had to make a big scene fumbling over legs and knees and worrying about your bags sliding off your shoulder and hitting people in the face. But what you’re forgetting is what happens when you sit down and I am getting off at a stop that’s before yours. Then what do we do? Are you just going to get up and let me out?

Sure, I’ve seen this sort of consideration played out. But sometimes it just doesn’t happen. I sat near the window once. Just once. It was my stop, I had waited a little bit longer than usual to prepare my exit at the next stop. Before I knew it, the doors had opened and people were filing out and I was STILL at the window, collecting my bags, and the person in the aisle seat didn’t even realize what was happening. I nearly knocked them over as they stood up to let me through, and THEN … the BACK DOORS CLOSED! I had to yell, “Back door! Back door!” Eventually, the doors opened again and I was able to exit. But from that day forward, I swore, may God strike me dead, that I would NEVER stay from the aisle seat. Ever. God, I still have nightmares about that shit.

So, no matter what. Even if it’s a bus with standing-room only.

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Angry Oompa Loompa

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oompa1

I don’t have time to keep up with my blog, but I love this one and wanted to share some of my previous stories with you all……….

So far you’ve heard 2 tales from the 38 & the 49 lines. This one comes from the 47 which takes me from my gym in the afternoons to the 38 Geary stop to go home. When I ride I usually put on my “muni face” and act like I’m not paying attention to anyone. However, I’m completely alert to all of the excitement going on around me.

This one particular day I was riding along and we came to the stop at Union St. I heard someone outside yelling “Fuck you!” continuously and looked out to see that he was in line to get on the bus. Oh excellent, a live one! The angry man (we shall call him Oompa) was a tall, slender guy in his mid to late 40s. He didn’t appear to be “dirty fingernail homeless” because he didn’t have that look. His clothes were clean and he had longer sort of Oompa Loompa hair and was clearly an angry drunk. I also noticed that he was wearing a wedding ring (irrelevant). So Oompa followed this younger Irish looking guy onto the bus (we shall call him Ginger). I think Oompa “took a hatin” to Ginger because he got right up in his face and continued to yell “Fuck You!” at him. Poor Ginger was trying to ignore him, but it was obvious that Oompa made him slightly nervous. Then Oompa starts whistling really badly into Ginger’s ear. In the middle of his tune he shouts to the entire bus that he’s “fucking crazy and not to fuck with him” and then goes back to whistling at Ginger. The bus was full but everyone was watching this fascinating Ginger-Oompa Show and secretly hoping that Ginger would pull a tazer out of his pocket or something.

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Category: Funny: Muni LOLs

Doth Thy Sonically Offend?

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mrniceguy.jpg

From the Muni Diaries submission inbox:

Does this look like a guy who’d be blaring his music on the 21-Hayes? If you think no, you’d be right. I was sitting three seats cattycorner to the man, and I didn’t even know he had earplugs on. But the guy across from him (picture not shown) quietly sidled up and asked him to turn down his tunes. Totally astounded, the pseudo non-offender replied “really?” and subsequently dialed down the volume.

One stop later, two very loud gentlemen got on the bus and talked in decibels loud enough to make a deaf man flinch. Did the sound-sensitive guy ask these two to turn down their pitch? Nope.

Which got me wondering: How do we physically perceive the difference between electronic noise and human noise? Both can be offensive and settling in their own ways.

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