Glazed and Confused

Photo by Lady in the radiator

Rider Ben sent over this diamond of a tale involving alleged porn stars, beer, and someone who thought he was Jet Li. Read on.

I’ve been riding MUNI for about 10 years now. My morning commute involves a three-way with the bus, the underground, and the F train. I used to wear headphones when on transit- it kind of lets you get out of the ugliness of being squashed with 1200 other people in a small, dirty, hot vehicle that starts and stops ease of a jackhammer. Headphones put you in your own world. But while I’ve had many, many terrible experiences on the bus, there’ve been some diamonds in there, too. This story is sort of a mixture of both, depending on which seat you were in.

I was waiting at a stop for the 21 last Saturday, wondering why I was even going out when I didn’t feel like it, and listening to a drunken conversation between two guys with huge fake mustaches. They had decided to explain their fake mustaches by telling people they had just come from a porn shoot, and were making up titles (their running favorite was Cumming to America). After the predict-a-bus said “Arriving” for about 15 minutes, and they’d come up with nearly every porn title ever imagined, the bus finally came.

Even when the bus is nearly empty like it was that night, I still like to sit in the back seats that face each other. The two mustaches followed to the seats across from me, and on the other side of the aisle an older couple sat across from a rather large, round, drunk hipster who somehow had a full plastic cup of beer. I hurried to sit down because I’ve been on the bus before, unlike the mustaches, and I knew that the bus driver likes to go from idle to 25 mph in half a second. Sure enough, the mustaches were scooped into the seats with a thump.

On the other side, the hipster’s beer had apparently sloshed forward (he was facing backwards), and he tried to “save” it by diving. In his drunkenness, he must’ve mistaken himself for Jet Li, when in reality he more closely resembled a garbage bag of oatmeal, and he sprawled onto the floor/old couple and completely covered them in beer. The lady gave a loud shriek and cringed, drenched, but the man stared forward without so much as a blink. The fat hipster was now on his knees, laying in the man’s lap, and everyone was very quiet for several seconds- I counted 3 drips of beer from the lady’s nose before anyone on the bus moved. Then the hipster looked up from the old man’s lap, saw how beer-soaked they were, and began giggling furiously. He didn’t even attempt to apologize as he peeled himself up off the floor and sat back down.

The couple waited until everyone finally looked away and then moved to another seat, embarrassed. The hipster was still giggling when he leaned over and told me “You know what the funny part is? The funny part (burp), the funny part is, I think they’re going to the same party as me.” I don’t know how he figured that, but when the old couple got off the bus two stops later, damned if he didn’t follow them. And he even looked up at me in the window and mock-splashed them again with the plastic cup, to a wave of laughter from the bus.

And then one mustache pointed to the poor couple walking away and said “Dude. Glazed and Confused.”