Muni Mind Reader: The Bigot

This week’s crystal-ball installment of Muni Mind Reader channels a voice that you might have heard before on the bus — the opinionated bigot who loves to spew his spiel on the unlucky bus rider next to him. For the grouch, there is no “inside voice” and the Muni bus is his perfect soapbox where you have no escape. Well, not until your stop comes up anyway.

Good afternoon!

You look like a fine, upstanding citizen, one with a sound mind and solid principles. I am just certain you won’t mind if I drop a little of  my hate-filled agenda on you. In fact, I have no doubts whatsoever that you are 100 percent in agreement.

Now don’t you say anything at all. I know a person by just looking at them what they’re thinking and what they’re all about. And well, the second I got on the bus, I just knew you were on the same page as me. Can’t put my finger exactly on it. Maybe it’s because you smiled at me or moved your bags off the seat next to you so I could sit down.

Or maybe it’s because of that sideways glance you gave that pansy in the purple shirt prancing down the aisle. Now, it is true you gave him what appeared to be a warm smile, a wink even, but since I consider myself an independently taught psychologist, I know that your gestures of openness are really just a shield for your extreme discomfort surrounding this situation.

All this talk about everyone wanting to get married has really set me off over the past couple of days. Why does everyone think they have the right to get married? Next thing you know, they’ll be wantin’ divorces. Like our courts can handle anymore bullshit. People and their petty lawsuits, suing for every last little thing. Oh booo hooo, look at me, I got a sore neck because I work in the office and my chair hurt me so now I gotta collect workers’ comp. Sheesh. Everybody wants something from the system…including all these cranky old people.

I’m so sick of hearing these cranky old people going on and on about their ridiculous politics. Sitting there in their special seats. You know, I sit in the seniors section ALL the time on the bus and I can tell you that there are PLENTY of old folks who could easily stand up like the rest of us. But ohhhh noooo, they come waltzing in here thinking they own the place. Just because you’re 80 doesn’t mean you’re too good to stand. Half the time I don’t get up.

Hey? What’s up? HELLOOOOO! I thought you and I were having a nice discussion and here you are reading your book. Look, there’s this thing called the First Amendment which means you and I can talk about whatever the hell we want, even if some people get offended long the way.

Oh Christ, here come all the teenagers. I just hate this neighborhood. You know what would make it better? If we could just build a giant, chain-link fence…

Wait, where are you going? Is it something I said?

Check back next Friday for the next Muni Mind Reader.

Photo by Flickr user Cocktailia of notorious (and dead) bigot Jerry Falwell.